ATLANTA, GA—In an effort to reduce absurdly high rates of unwanted pregnancies, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is urging Amerians to “give homosexuality a try”.
“There are only two ways to guarantee that you won’t get pregnant,” says CDC director Rochelle Walensky. “Abstinence and homosexuality. And we all know abstinence is for losers.”
New studies show that babies are made exclusively through the union of sperm and egg, an event that only occurs during boring, traditional, heterosexual sex. Reportedly, “man-on-man action” and “girl-on-girl stuff” will never result in pregnancy.
Homosexuality has become increasingly popular in recent years, and due to scientific developments, there really is no reason to continue practicing embarrassing old-school straight sex. Four out of five scientists agree that humanity is headed in the right direction.
Leah Erben 
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